Finding the Dwarf
by SenatorSolo
Summary: The crew of Red Dwarf, Lister, Cat, Kryten, and Rimmer, are still stuck on Starbug looking for Red Dwarf. Will they find her? Takes place after Out of Time.
1. Unreality Pockets

Unreality Pockets

"What the hell was that?" asked Lister, running to the drive room. The entire ship, Starbug, had just turned a violent shade of magenta, and a loud bang had come from the drive room.

"Well, whatever it was, its taken the cat," said Rimmer, obviously relieved that Lister had arrived. "I suppose that we should thank it."

"Thank it? Thank it? Rimmer, are you nuts? This thing stole our crew member, the one with the ultra-sensitive, danger finding, warning nose. How are we supposed to negotiate our way through this mine field if we –"

"Listy, did you say mine field? Like those unreality pockets we went through last week, to find the time machine?"

"Yea, Rimmer. I said mine fields. We are getting somewhere. Go find Kryten."

Rimmer headed for the door but paused and said, "This means that the cat is coming back, doesn't it?" He sighed and continued on to the sleeping quarters to find Kryten. Behind him, he heard a small pop, but payed it no attention. He looked all through Starbug and found Kryten where he least expected to.

On the AR machine. Kryten on the AR machine? He looked up as Lister waltzed through the door with the laundry, whistling the theme to _Androids_. Since when did Lister do his own laundry and watch _Androids_?

"For goodness' smeggin' sake! What is going on here? Lister, why aren't _you_ on the AR machine? Kryten, why aren't _you_ doing the laundry?" asked Rimmer.

"I am doing the laundry," answered Lister.

"But you aren't Kryten."

"Yes I am! I think I know who I am. I can tell you all about my groinal socket or my nipple nuts. If I wasn't who I am, who is Silicon Heaven would be doing your laundry?" asked Lister.

"Oh my God!" said Rimmer. "Am I the only sane person?" _Or am I just insane?_ said a little voice in his head. It was the same voice that always nagged him about being mean to Lister. The same one that made him feel guilty about bossing Kryten around. Even if he did want to be bossed around. He called it his conscience.

Right as Rimmer fell to his knees, Cat danced in. "Hey buddy," he said, patting Lister on the shoulder. "I just made a whole lot of things mine. The emohawk is mine, Lister's fish are mine, Red Dwarf is mine . . ."

"The emohawk?" asked a panicked Rimmer, "what emohawk?"

"That one," replied Cat, pointing at a box in front of him which instantly changed shape and sucked out–

"My cool. It's eaten my cool. Now I'm just . ."

"Duane Dibbley," interrupted Rimmer. "This dream just keeps getting better and better. I dearly hope that I die. It would just, what the?" Rimmer fell completely over and did a somersault that he would never have been able to do if he actually wanted to. He got up, ignoring the shooting pains in his left side, and ran to the drive room.

There he saw Cat, Lister, and Kryten sitting at their scanners as if nothing had happened.

"Thank God, Rimmer, where have you been? We were beginning to get worried. But only for a nanosecond. We have entered another mine field, full of unreality pockets. Sort of like when we found the time machine. By the way, we threw it out. We took a vote while you were gone and we decided that we didn't want to become our future selves."

"What, Lister? You took a vote without me? I am the highest ranking person aboard this ship. According to Space Corps directive 117353, the highest ranking officer aboard the ship must be present at any kind of meeting deciding anything important, especially a vote."

Kryten spoke up, "Space Corps directive 117353, hmm, that does not seem to pertain to our present situation. It clearly states that no officer in deep space can attempt to have sex with a rubber chicken. I sincerely hope that you didn't try Mr Arnold, sir. I'm afraid that the penalty is death."

Cat and Lister burst out laughing. "I think he meant 117352, or 117354. He's always one off isn't he? Such a smeghead," laughed Lister.

"Do you know the penalty for describing a superior officer as a smeghead?" Asked Rimmer indignantly.

"No," said Lister. "But I'm sure that you do. Why don't you remind us one more time."

"Uh oh. I smell trouble. I bet it's another one of these pocket things. Better put on your seatbelts. But first, let me get some fish. I gonna eat you little fishy, I'm gonna eat you little fishy," sang Cat.

"Great," complained Rimmer. "We have a guide who has a brain the size of a McDonalds chicken mcnugget."

"Hey guys," shouted Cat from the kitchen. "Hold on tight, here it comes!"

They all shook in their seats and fell forward as they hit another pocket. This time, Cat disappeared, and Kochanski appeared. They could all guess whose fantasy pocket this was.

"Kryten, why don't you and I make ourselves scarce. I don't think we want to be in here when Lister spots her. It's bound to be pretty disgusting. Leg it!" whispered Rimmer. He and Kryten bounded out of the room faster than you could say 'smeg.'

"Hello Dave," said Kochanski seductively.

Lister spun around. "Kristine! Where the hell did you come from? It's great to see you. Okay, I'm finished being modest. I really want to make love to you."

Kochanski laughed and began to take off her shirt, but right before she took off her bra there was a great bang and she disappeared.

"Oh smeggin' hell. I can't believe I fell for that," said Lister, banging his head on the back of his chair.

"I can," said Rimmer, "You're so gullible that you would make love to something non-existent. I trust that's what you did. Wait! Don't tell me. I don't want to know!" Rimmer fell over as there was another loud crash and saw that both Kryten and Cat had disappeared.

"Oh smeg!" shouted Lister. "The Navi-Comp is out. There are several small fires in the drive room, and Cat and Kryten are missing." He read the damage report machine while reaching for the fire extinguisher.

He held onto the arms of his chair and braced himself for another crash. When it came, the fires were gone, the Navi-Comp was working, and Kryten and Cat both returned. Cat was sitting on his lap.

"What has happened here. Gone for five minutes and you have a chair like this? Hey, goalpost head, where's cheese brain?"

"Muf tho mmm mmyfd," said Lister into Cat's back.

"You're sitting on him," said Rimmer, looking at Cat with disgust.

"Oh, you mean I'm sitting in the lap of that creature? Impossible. The Invincible Cat would never sit on another man!" said Cat.

Lister rotated his head free and spoke, "I'm another man. And you're sitting on me. Mr. Invincible Cat, get off me!"

Cat jumped up and looked at Lister. He said with a strait face, "I am not into other guys."

Rimmer and Lister burst out laughing. "Boys from the Dwarf," said Lister, shaking his hands. "Now Cat, put on your nose and lets go find her!"

* * *

A/N: This is my first _Red Dwarf _story. More chapters will come soon, I promise. Please review! Oh, and I don't own any Red Dwarf stuff. The name Invincible Cat is mine though. 


	2. Hallucinations and Holly

Hallucinations and Holly

Cat, Kryten, Lister, and Rimmer sat in the cockpit of Starbug quietly, having just passed through an unreality minefield and not wanting to disturb anything else. They were tracking Red Dwarf, their mother ship, and they were a bit nervous about all of the things that were keeping them away from her. It was as if something was working against them.

"Hey guys, I'm smellin' something," said Cat.

"I've got nothing on long range," said Rimmer.

"There's nothing on short range either," said Kryten.

"I can see it out the window! It's a giant blue fog thing. Oh smeggin' hell, we can't get around it. Brace yourselves!" cried Lister. There was a sudden scurry of movement as everyone put on their seatbelts and covered their faces. Including Rimmer, for he now had a hard light bee and could be hurt just like anybody else, though it took more power.

Starbug drove on through the fog and nothing noticeable happened, but several minutes later the crew started to smell something funny.

"What's that smell?" asked Lister.

"Well, Mr. Lister, I think that it is rosemary. It is often used in cooking. I especially like to use it when I cook your lamb curries–" said Kryten, cut off by Rimmer.

"Kryten, shut up!" he said.

"Uh oh. I'm smelling something else guys. Something pretty bad," interrupted Cat. He looked around the cockpit and saw that the air was turning blue, like the fog they had passed through. "Blue with goldenrod? Are you nuts? I'm getting out of here." He made a motion as if to rise, but he and everyone else fainted before he could make a bigger move.

* * *

Rimmer woke up, surrounded by three beautiful girls. One, a brunette, another, a redhead, and the last had black hair. He had no idea where he was, other than the fact that he seemed to still be on Starbug. But that was impossible. There were no females on Starbug. 

"Uh. Hello. I am Admiral A. J. Rimmer of the Jupiter mining ship Red Dwarf. Can I help you in some way? Or could you help me? I don't know where I am. Where's Lister?" he asked, making the best of being in a place where nobody knows him.

"Good morning Admiral. I am Fiona," said the redhead, "this is Raven," the girl with black hair waved, "and this is Sasha," she said, motioning to the brunette. We are glad to see that you have woken up. Sasha has been working for oh so long to help you. You've been in a coma for three years. You probably don't remember us. I'm your wife. Raven is the designer of our house, and Sasha is our maid. Do you remember anything about the accident?"

Rimmer took a good look at his so-called wife. She reminded him of someone, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. They were all three looking at him expectantly, so he decided to speak. "Accident? I don't remember an accident. I just remember some blue fog, and then I blacked out."

Fiona moved over and sat next to him on the bed and kissed him on the cheek. "Oh honey, I've been ever so worried about you. When we found you on some cymoon we thought you weren't going to make it. Thankfully Sasha knew how to work some medical equipment," she kissed him again, "I've been so scared."

Rimmer looked at the beautiful woman sitting next to him and decided to make the best of his problem. But then he looked at Sasha, the maid, and he was strongly reminded of a person with a very oddly shaped head. Raven reminded him of a stylish animal, and that meant the Fiona had to be –

No, impossible. He was just hit on the head and got a concussion. He's never been in outer space. Never! But she did have that oddly familiar smile, and Raven had funny looking teeth. . .

"Sasha and I will leave you two alone for a while," said Raven, smiling at him and straitening her collar. She and Sasha left the room while Fiona got even closer to him.

"Oh Arnie, I've wanted to passionately kiss you for so long," she kissed him, taking him by surprise, "don't you remember anything, hon? We were going to have three kids, live in a mansion, and you would save the lives of idiotic space adventurers. But now we will have to start our life again. Working our way back to how it was."

"Well, Fiona, don't talk like that. It's very morbid. Why don't you just kiss me again, and we can forget our problems for a while," Rimmer was definitely beginning to like this new life. He kissed his wife passionately.

They both heard a faint voice, oddly familiar to Rimmer, "Euk! Stop it, you're slobbering all over the dashboard. You are disgusting!" But they ignored it and continued kissing.

Only when Rimmer was hit very hard in the head did he finally come to. And he was kissing – Yes. He was kissing Lister. He jumped away, kicking Lister where it hurts as he did. "Oh my God!" he cried, "I kissed the caveman. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to go hide behind a box and have an embarrassing spastic attack." And he ran off.

Lister came to rubbing his eyes as if he had awoken from a very deep sleep. "What's going on guys?" he asked, looking at Cat watching him with disgust. "What's wrong? Where's Rimmer?"

Cat answered, "If your talking about your boyfriend, I don't think he wants to see you right now."

"My wha?"

"Your boyfriend, sir. Mr. Rimmer is hiding behind a box in the other room trying to delete the fact that you were both playing a very entrancing game of tonsil hockey. I believe that he called you Fiona," said Kryten, matter of factly.

"Fiona?"

"Yes dog food face. Now kindly shut up before I throw up. It was terrible enough watching it from here," said Cat, not so kindly.

"I was hallucinating? And I kissed Rimmer? Euck! I remember it though. You, Cat, you were Raven. You had pointy teeth and you were very stylish. And Kryten, you were that Sasha character. The maid and doctor?"

"Yes sir. We were both in the hallucination too. I think it was that fog we passed through earlier," said Kryten.

"I'm such a smeghead!" yelled Lister.

"Yes. You are," said a new, but not unrecognizable voice.

"Holly! You found us. Where's Red Dwarf?" asked Lister, momentarily getting over his liaison with Rimmer.

"Well, actually, I lost it when I was looking for you guys," she said.

"Well, we'll find her," said Cat, "With my good looks, even Red Dwarf couldn't resist me."

"Cat, you're not _that _handsome. But I'm sure Rimmer would go for you too!" said Lister.

"I heard that!" came a muffled shout from the other room.


	3. Another Alternate Dimension?

Another Alternate Dimension?

With Holly back with the crew on Starbug, everybody was a lot happier, despite the fact the Red Dwarf was still missing. Holly's claim was that she left it alone for a moment and it ran off, but everybody knew that Red Dwarf was not a dog.

"Euh, dogs! I hate dogs. They smell and they have fleas and bad breath. And they could never be as good looking as me!" proclaimed Cat.

"Cat, enough of this! Just close your can, open your nose, and lets find our Dwarf," said Rimmer, moving to inspect the scanners for any sign of her. "Oh lets face it! We are all going to die, stuck here, stranded on Starbug. If Lister the _stupid_ had not lost her in the first place, none of this would have happened!"

"Hey, hey! I did not lose her. In fact I remember what the planetoid looked like. Bluey, greeney, and planetoidy," said Lister.

"Oh well what useful information," grumbled Rimmer.

"Excuse me, but red alert, red alert," interjected Holly, "We are getting a distress call from the Mining Ship Red Dwarf. Red alert. Red alert."

"Um, Holly? Did you just say Mining Ship Red Dwarf?" asked Rimmer, "That would be out ship you know. Who on Earth could be sending us a distress call if we are all here?"

"Punch it up, Hol," commanded Lister.

Holly pushed a button but Kryten stopped it from showing up at the very last minute. "Sirs, what if it is our future selves once more? We would not want another disaster like that. Please go into the other room while I talk to them and I will let you know if it is okay to come in."

Mumbling and flicking Kryten off behind his back, the rest of the crew went into the other room and shut the door behind him. They all sat down in chairs that looked as if they had come from a school cafeteria.

"What gives novelty condom head the right to boss us around?" asked Cat, disgustedly.

"Nothin'," said Lister, "Nothin' give him the right. So technically, we can walk in there right now and he can't stop us because he is programmed to obey humans. Yes," he cried, doing a small jig. He walked to the door and pressed the manual override button to open it. Himself, Cat and Rimmer sauntered into the room.

Kryten turned. "Oh good. I was just about to get you. Please forgive me for shutting you out," he turned and motioned to the video screen, "apparently they are from an alternate dimension. It is our former selves, but they are very different, and there are other people on board. They have one person who is, well, dying! They think that we can help her."

"Her? Her? As in lady? Soft and squidgy?" asked Cat, nearly hyperventilating.

"Yes. I woman named Darlene. Apparently she is a combination between you, Mr. Lister, and Mr. Rimmer," answered Kryten.

"Euh. She must be pretty ugly," said Cat.

"Thanks a lot," said Rimmer and Lister at the same time. Lister gave Rimmer a funny look, but shook his head as if ridding himself of a mental picture. Or memory.

It was only two days ago that there had been a hallucinogenic fog that caused Rimmer to believe that Lister was his wife. And the day before that there were many unreality pockets to drive through. It had been one hell of a week.

"Well, I'm going in," said Lister, "Power her up, you guys are coming wether you want to or not. Time to see wether Rimmer and I make a good combination."

"Don't remind me, Listy," said Rimmer.

Kryten and Holly changed the course of Starbug and turned her back towards the other Red Dwarf, abandoning their attempts to find their own. Several minutes later they were docking in Bay 21. Lister jumped out of Starbug, happy to be on 'land' once again. The remainder of the crew followed.

"Calling Holly on Red Dwarf 2," said Kryten on his radio piece.

"This is Holly. She cannot come to the screen right now. She is either with Darlene in surgery or on vacation in Bermuda."

"Damn this radio," said Kryten, "It must be picking up a message."

"You really think so Kryten?" asked Lister sarcastically. He was startled when three people came down to greet them.

"Hey Mr. Buddy!" said a creature that was half mechanoid, half . . .cat? "I'm Krat. In your universe, I'm like you Mr. Butter pat head, and you, black guy with big teeth." He motioned to a man next to him. "This is Krymir. He's like Mr. Kryters and Mr. Goal post head." Krymir waved. "And this, this is Crimmer. He's like Arnie and Mr. Cat. Limmer is with Darlene in the medical bay."

All in all they were an awkward looking group of people, but the regular dwarfers were pretty strange too. Lister couldn't help himself, "How did you get a girl on the ship? And what's with all these combination people. And why is there only one combination with me?"

Rimmer made an indistinct noise in the back of his throat, but refrained from insulting Lister.

"Oh," Crimmer spoke up, Krister and Lisat are moon hopping. Krister is caveman and Arnold. Lisat is the stylish one and Lister."

"What about Holly?" asked Rimmer.

"She wasn't in the accident," said Krymir, "I'll start from the beginning. Cat, Lister, Rimmer, and Kryten, I call ourselves that because we no longer are who we were, were all moon hopping in our own dimension. We had gotten a distress signal, where we rescued a badly injured Darlene. She said that we should have left her to die because she was cursed. But Lister wouldn't let an innocent woman die. So we rescued her and she breathed a funny looking fire thing. It jambled us all up, and instead of four people we had six. So she really is cursed. But Krister, Lisat, and Limmer, who all contain parts of Lister, refused to let her go. She doesn't really want to be here. She thinks that she is better off dead. We believe that you four have the knowledge to cure her condition."

"Wow," breathed Kryten, "You really are in a scramble aren't you? Engage lie mode. Rimmer is a very good surgeon."

"I am? I mean, yes, of course I am," said a startled Rimmer. "Kryten is my assistant."

All of the others watched this exchange of words between Kryten and Rimmer. Kryten knew something. And he wasn't telling everybody else. Lister took matters into his own hands, "We are a team of surgeons. And we need to go see the patient and confer, _privately_."

Cat looked up, "Get guts on my rosebud jacket. No way am I surgeoning. I will tell you what to do. Lets go confer."

Krat led the 'surgeon group' to a private chamber to allow them to privately confer, but only after taking them to see Darlene.

"She's about as good looking as Rimmer," stated Cat blatantly.

Rimmer stood up tall, thinking he was being paid a complement, then he got a look at her. "Uh, no. She looks kind of like Lister."

"Me? No, she looks a bit like your mum," he said to Rimmer.

They stepped into the conference room and shut themselves in. Kryten had just about started talking when Lister's Holly watch started buzzing.

"Yea, what is it Hol?" he asked.

"Quick, get back to Starbug. I've made a cock-up. Get back to the ship," Holly was nearly yelling.

The dwarfers took off running to bay 21. "So Kryten, what's your theory?" asked Rimmer.

"Well, sir, I was going to say that this whole thing is a fraud. That Darlene character, she was a wax model. I believe that Krister and Lisat, who are supposedly moon hopping are actually trying to steal Starbug and leave us here. They must be out of vital supplies, or something," replied Kryten.

"Those bastards!" shouted Cat, trying not to sweat and ruin the armpits of his jacket.

"I agree sir," said Kryten.

"Yes," said Rimmer, "we're nearly there!"

They all put on one last spurt of energy and reached the bay just as two figures climbed into Starbug. "Sprint," shouted Lister. They did. They all ran as fast as they could to reach the ship before it could take off. Holly would only last for so long.

Finally they made it. They all jumped on and practically collapsed onto the floor.

"Get up, get up!" said an urgent Holly, "Krister and Lisat have come on board. Get the bazookiods. They are taking control of the ship."

Rimmer surprisingly was the first one to get up. He helped Lister, Cat and Kryten to their feet and they all went to grab a gun.

When they arrived in the drive room, there were two Lister look-a-likes driving Starbug away from the alternate Red Dwarf. One of them had good style and the other had a funny head.

"Get out of my seat or I'll blow you to smithereens," threatened Lister to one of the imposters.

Krister and Lisat turned and smiled. Lisat spoke, "If you kill one of us, it is like killing yourself and a crewmate."

"Lister, don't listen to him. Just blow their heads off," shouted Holly hysterically.

"Goodbye smeghead," said Lister and readied the gun. "C'mon you guys, I'm not going to be the only one killing."

Cat shot at Lisat, killing him instantly. "I had to shoot him. It was a version of me with no dress sense at all."

Lister killed Krister. "Now what Hol?" he asked.

"Well, I would say, run, because their Starbug is coming after us. After all, we did kill two of their crewmates," she cried.

"What bloody smegheads," said Rimmer. "They aren't even in their own dimension. Why are they coming after us?"

"That doesn't make sense sir," said Kryten. "But pardon me sir, it actually is their dimension. I think I figured out the miscalculation that I made."

"Oh dear God, help us all," said Rimmer.

* * *

Hey, thanks to RimmersLittleVoodooDoll and reddwarfaddict for reviewing! Also, I'm kind of sick, but I'm writing it for you:) I own the characters Krat, Krymir, Crimmer, Darlene, Limmer, Lisat, and Krister. I know, it's kind of confusing. I had to write it down. But, you won't have to remember them much longer. So how do you like it? Please review! Thanks for reading! 


	4. Crash Landing

Crash Landing

"Get it started. Drive away, drive away!" screamed Rimmer hysterically.

It had been a very trying day. The crew of Starbug had answered a distress call from an alternate Red Dwarf, consequently losing track of their own, and now they were being chased by insane versions of themselves. They had killed two of their crewmates, but some things should be let to slide.

Lister started up Starbug, "I'm going to try and land on the nearest planet with a breathable atmosphere."

"Sir, do you think that is a good idea? After all, these other humans can breath too, so they would come down and find us," said Kryten.

"Hey, I have an idea," said Cat. Everybody turned to look at him. "Why don't we use a cloaking device?"

"Thanks a wonderful idea sir, with only two problems. One, we don't have a cloaking device, and two, there's no such thing as a cloaking device," answered Kryten.

"Oh! Too bad buddy. We're all going to die," said Cat.

"Oh Cat, will you please shut the smeg up?" asked Lister, thoroughly annoyed.

"Red alert, red alert!" shouted Holly.

"What is it Holly?" asked Rimmer. Everyone fell forward as Starbug gave a big jolt to the side, causing Cat to fall onto of Lister's curry.

"My suit. You ruined my suit," cried Cat. He paused, examining the redish curry stain on his suit, "Actually, I think I can make this work. Be right back guys, I've got to change my socks."

"What a smeghead . . ." said Lister.

"Holly!" shouted Rimmer, bringing everybody back to reality.

"Oh yea. They are shooting at us with their laser cannons," she replied.

"Well that clears that up," said Rimmer sarcastically.

Everyone lurched forward again as Starbug took a direct hit to the engines.

"Sirs, and ma'am, may I advise that we go land on that planet? We have lost all three of our rear engines and the OG unit is melted," said Kryten.

"Smeggin' hell," said Lister.

"How much oxygen do we have?" asked Lister.

"Nine minutes worth Mr. Arnold, sir," answered Kryten.

"Oh," said Rimmer, laughing. "You may well be about to die Listy."

"Well thank you Rimmer. It's bad enough without you breathing down my neck!" replied Lister.

"I'm back! Feeling good," said Cat, dancing around, showing off his new bright red socks. "How d'you like them?"

"I'm going to take her down Lister, do you want manual?" asked Holly.

"No, Hol, I trust you," he replied.

"You – what?" asked Rimmer.

"Sirs, if I may interject, Holly is a fine computer," Holly smiled, "But she can navigate about as well as a cheese sandwich. We have a mechanoid saying that I think is useful in this situation. In binary language it goes like this. 011011110100001010101011."

"I have a better one. In Rimmer language it goes like this, 'Duck and Cover!'" Rimmer shouted.

For once, everybody obeyed him. Rimmer dived under the dashboard with Cat. Kryten got under the table where Lister was resting his curry, and Lister braced himself against a cupboard.

Thirty second later they landed, albeit ungracefully. Outside the 'bug there was a great splash of water and loud, somewhat disheartening, scraping noises.

"Oh, I didn't know there was an ocean here," said Holly thoughtfully, "Whoops."

"Open the top hatch, Lister and Cat are suffocating," ordered Rimmer to Kryten.

"But sir," answered Kryten.

"No buts, just do it you goit!" yelled Rimmer in reply.

"I'm a what?" asked Kryten, but he moved to open the hatch nonetheless.

"Oh thank Cloister," said Cat, regaining his breath.

* * *

How didya like it? I know, it's kind of short, but I had to set the scene. You know how it is. Many thanks to reddwarfaddict, RimmersLittleVoodooDoll, and shaun. So please review! I'll try to update later this week, but I have to start school again and I have a huge Romeo and Juliet project. But I'll try! 


	5. PLanet Uh Oh

Thanks to Shaun for reviewing! And thank you to all my other loyal readers who don't review! Please do! I love to find reviews in my inbox. Wow, it's been so hard to find time to update . . Oh, and if you have not seen Bride and Prejudice, I highly recommend it, it's so funny! Okay, without further ado, here is the next chapter.

* * *

Planet Uh-Oh

"I can breathe!" shouted Lister happily as Kryten opened the top hatch. He practically jumped for joy, hugging Cat in a manly way.

"Man, get off me. You are sick!" said Cat, though he too was happy that he could breathe once more.

"Um, I'm sorry to interrupt this conversation, but there is a large mass on the radarscope moving this way very quickly!" interrupted Holly. "It's very large, you need to evacuate. Lister, I am transferring myself to your watch, not all four of you get out of this ship right now!" Holly was practically in hysterics It must have been something very big and scary out there to put Holly in hysterics, though there was that one time when she thought that grit was a black hole . . .

Rimmer, Lister, Cat and Kryten scurried to their feet and moved to climb out of the hatch, but before Lister could climb up the ladder, somebody climbed down.

"Good evening gentlemen," said a very pretty lady, maybe in her mid-twenties. She had tan skin and brown eyes and hair. Lister's eyes immediately traveled down her body to see her breasts.

"And may I ask what you are doing on Planet Ino?" She did not wait for anyone to answer. "Oh, I know your whole story, from the beginning, when you," she pointed at Lister, "broke up with Lisa Yates, and then how you," she glanced at Rimmer, "killed off an entire crew, and when you found the mechanoid several hundred years ago. My name is Malyne and I live here with my four sisters, Kalyi, Enala, Yidze, and Laiki."

Cat gaped at her, speechless, though Kryten looked quite dubious. "Miss . . Malyne, could you perhaps supply us with an OG unit?" he asked.

"Oh-yuegh, I mean, we crash landed," said Rimmer.

"Well aren't you Mister Obvious," mimicked Malyne. Rimmer opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off. "Those men chasing you? Yes, I thought you would ask about them. Yidze killed them all. You'll be safe with us. Follow me, I will bring you home and feed you _real _food."

Cat leapt up behind her at once and prepared to follow her home. He was closely followed by Rimmer and Lister, who was still staring at Malyne's chest. Kryten followed Lister, frowning at Malyne's aggressive behavior.

He thought it could have been that she was without for men for too long of a time, but there was something in the way she spoke, something playful and tantalizing. Something wasn't quite right about her, something was off, and Kryten intended to find out what.

Malyne led the Dwarfer's to a raft just outside of their ship. They all climbed in and set off in the boat. When they rounded a corner, something large and scary jumped out at them.

"This isn't Planet Ino, it's more like Planet Oh-No!" shouted Cat, diving for cover in the small vessel.

Malyne just laughed.

* * *

I know, it's a cliffhanger, and it's short! I'm sorry, my finals are in two weeks or something and I really need to study. Next Friday is integrated science, then I have biology, so I might be a while, but I will update whenever possible! Thanks! 


	6. Siblings

Many thanks to shaun and my newest reviewer boogle! Okay, it's been a long while since I updated, so, today I am finally updating again. Woohoo. Okay, here's chapter six.

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Siblings

As Malyne laughed, she transmogrified herself into a giant slobbering worm, which usually wouldn't be very scary, but when you lived with Lister, you learned to be afraid of anything that was giant and slobbering.

Around the corner, there was a giant beetle, wasp, bumblebee, and fly. That was what had made Cat shout and dive for cover. Apparently her sisters had the same gift of transmogrification that Malyne did.

"Oh my God!" said Rimmer, staring at the worm. "Run!" He cried and started to jog in place.

"Well, Rimmer. It would be nice if we could run from the giant bugs, but we are in a boat. Traveling on water. And correct me if I'm wrong, but humans cannot _run _on _water_," said Lister sarcastically.

"Mr. Lister sir, I suggest we remain calm," the worm that was Malyne growled, "I change my mind, perhaps we should panic sir," said Kryten.

"I'm way past panicking, it's brown trousers time," said Rimmer quietly, for he had stopped jogging and was cowering in the boat as far from Malyne as possible.

A great voice boomed, creating more panic among the Dwarfers. "You will come with us to Ooglesmigle to live. You will live with us forever, or until we are too hungry to hold off." Malyne's voice seemed to put Rimmer, Lister, and Cat under a sort-of trance, but Kryten, who was a mechanoid, was not affected, though he pretended to be for his own safety.

"Yes Ma'am," recited Lister, Rimmer, Cat and Kryten.

Malyne nodded at her sisters and changed herself back into her human form. She let her sisters into the boat and they immediately piled the Dwarfers in the middle so they could relax. Malyne started up the boat and directed it to her homeland.

"That was too easy," said the sister who was a bumblebee, Kalyi.

"No, I think not. They were all much scared out of their wits, or should I say pants," said a girl, eyeing Rimmer, "to fight back." This sister had been the fly. She was called Laiki.

The other four ladies snickered. Malyne spoke up. "When we do eat them, I want the ugliest one. Ugly beings always seem to have a greater flavor."

"We will give them the Test when we get them home," declared Enala, the wasp.

Time passed quickly as Malyne drove the boat home on high speed. Occasionally Lister or Rimmer would move or groan as if they were about to wake up, but Enala flicked them on the head, and they would be out cold for quite a while longer.

"We're home," sang Malyne, climbing out of the boat, and heaving out the Dwarfers.

"Good. Now we can Test them," said Kalyi.

Together the five sisters dragged Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, and Cat inside. Yidze, the beetle, went around and woke them all up.

Cat was the first to stand up. He took one look at his clothes and fainted again. Rimmer and Lister re-woke him and helped Kryten stand up. All four of them were terrified.

"Erm, we're just going to go now," mumbled Lister, not making any move to leave. In fact, he was so mortified he could not move.

Enala laughed. "I think not." She stared at them all for what felt like five minutes before speaking again, "Tell me, which of you is the ugliest and stupidest."

Rimmer and Cat exchanged looks with Kryten and Lister before pointing at Lister saying, "Him."

"Ay?" Lister examined himself, "Alright, I may be dirty– Don't laugh Rimmer, but I am not ugly. I must be the best looking one here."

"You are the ugliest," said Enala, grabbing Kryten by the arm. She took him into a large room with only a table and some creepy looking devices in it.

"Now, lie on that table," she said, using a voice that even Kryten could not resist. He obeyed, and Enala picked up a tool that looked like a carving knife and a pair of scissors. She locked Kryten's arm down and cut open the black covering he wore. "Ugh, a mechanoid," she cried, startling Kryten out of his trance and accidently cutting a wire.

"What are you doing, ma'am?" he asked her.

"Get out!" she cried, releasing him from the table, disgusted.

She followed him out into the hallway where she chose Rimmer as her next test subject. The look of panic on his face made her laugh, which made him all the more afraid, especially since Kryten came out of the Test unable to speak.

"Lie on that table," she said, and of course, Rimmer obeyed. This time she chose his leg and sliced it open. Rimmer's screams of pain, though he was hard light, could be heard in the hallway. "You will make good eating," she said and let him go, not bothering to close up his leg wound.

Lister was her next choice. "Lie on that table," she ordered.

"Why?" he asked, "You're just a little bitch who likes to torture people."

"Lie!" she insisted, and he did. She cut open his stomach. His screams were, if possible, louder than Rimmers.

"You will be good," she said and let him go.

Lister limped out of the room holding his stomach. "Don't go in there man," he said to Cat, then fell over out cold. Rimmer was sitting, but was conscious, and Kryten was perfectly fine, but couldn't speak.

"Come," Enala said to Cat.

"I can't," he said. "I have a hair appointment at ten o'clock and I can't miss it."

"Come here!" she shouted, and he followed. "Lie on the table." He did. She cut open his arm and he did not scream. He fainted at the first sight of blood. "Oh, exciting. You will be the best to eat. But you are the prettiest. That proves Malyne's theory wrong. Mmm." She dragged him out into the hall where the now-conscious Lister greeted him.

"Want a curry, man," Lister asked, holding out a curry.

Kryten mouthed a few words. " ."

"Right. Well, I'm going to go to sleep."

"No," cried Rimmer, "you can't sleep, you'll die."

"Well, hell's got to be better than this," he replied.

"Oh yes, he's quite right," said Enala. "Just you wait and see . . ."

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Ooooh, cliffhanger. Write me reviews and I'll update! 


	7. Holly

Mucho Gracias to boogle, Zombie Kitty, and shaun. It's so great that you guys read my story. Okay, here is the next chapter for you!

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Holly

"Did you sew Lister's stomach back up?" asked Rimmer worriedly, pacing around the cell that Enala had put the crew of Red Dwarf in.

"Yes sir," replied Kryten who had fixed his voice wire as soon as possible. Now his guilt chip was in override and he kept healing Lister and Cat, though they needed it no more.

"What about my leg?" asked Rimmer, motioning towards his thigh which was bleeding quite a bit.

"As I said before sir, your leg is not really hurt. You are a hologram, and even in your hard-light form, holograms cannot bleed. You are imagining your pain," said Kryten matter-of-factly.

"Oh. Then why does my leg hurt so much?"

"Because, sir, you imagined it hurting."

"So, Mr. Know-it-All Mechanoid, if I stop thinking that it's hurting, then it won't hurt?" Rimmer asked.

"If mechanoids could sigh, I would be doing it right now. YES, Rimmer."

"My leg does not hurt. My leg does not hurt. My leg does not hurt," Rimmer chanted. "Hey, my leg doesn't hurt!"

"Very good sir. Now kindly shut up so I can continue healing Mr. Lister," said Kryten.

"As I said before Kryters, Lister is not really hurt. He is a wacked out smeghead, and even in his human form, he cannot be hurt. You are imagining his pain," mocked Rimmer.

"You're a smee. You're a smeeee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"I'm a what?" asked Rimmer, nonplused.

"A smmmeeeee heeeeeeee. Complete and totally. You want Mr. Lister to die. You're so insensitive," he went back to mending Lister's already healed leg.

"Come in Dave, Dave, are you there?" called a familiar voice.

"Holly?" questioned Rimmer.

"Dave? Rimmer? Kryten? Cat? Is anybody there? Is anybody even listening to me?"

"It is Holly!" cried Rimmer. He picked up Lister's arms, locating the watch on his wrist. "Holly! It's Rimmer! Have you come to save us?"

"I should have knocked him out a window when I could," breathed Holly, under her breath. "Hello Arnold. No, I've not come to save you. I've come to tell you that I found Red Dwarf! Now all you've got to do is get out of there!"

Kryten dropped what he was doing and elbowed Rimmer out of the way. "Holly. It's Kryten, –

"I figured that."

"– Yes. Can you tell me where you have positioned Red Dwarf?"

"Yea. She's right above the planet that you all got lost on," said Holly.

"We have no way to get off this planet," interjected Rimmer.

"Well you'll have to find a way won't you?" she said, getting aggravated.

"I'd better go. I don't want to lose her again!" said Holly, quickly signing off.

"Let's find a way out of here," said Rimmer, dragging Lister to the door.

"Going somewhere?" asked a guard making her rounds.

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Heh, heh, cliffie. I know, I'm mean. Sorry that it's short guys. I'll update soon though. Please review and tell me how you liked it! 


	8. Escape

Thanks a ton to boogle and shaun for reviewing chapter seven! It's been a while since I updated, so I am going to update now so you can read my story. This is the LAST chapter! So please review!

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Escape

"Erm . . . yes. I've really got to visit the little boys room," said Rimmer quickly, staring at the guard.

"Boy, you're standing in it!" she hollered at him pointing at the jail cell.

"Oh, yes, of course. But do you really mean to tell me that I have to go . . . number two . . . in this cell too?" he asked, peering around for anybody else who might have been listening.

"Yes!" shouted the guard and added another padlock onto the cell door. She then smiled sweetly at Rimmer and continued on her rounds.

"Ohhh," Lister moaned, "am I almost dead or am I almost dead?"

"Kryten! Lister's waking up," said Rimmer excitedly. For him, it was a bit creepy to see Kryten sew up Lister's leg seven times. Maybe with Lister awake Kryten would take a break.

"Oh, sir," said Kryten, bustling over to where Lister was lying, (in Rimmer's arms, having had Rimmer drag him to the cell door), "You should not be awake. I still haven't operated on your leg!"

Rimmer made rude hand signals behind his back, though his thoughts directed them at Kryten. "Kryters! As I told you before, Lister is o-kay!" he said, stretching out his words.

"Yea, man, I'm okay," said Lister as he sat up. "I've just got a leg cramp." Rimmer had motioned to Lister with the kill signal to try and make Lister not say anything about leg's, but to no avail.

"A leg cramp!" yelled Kryten loud enough to wake everybody on the island.

"Uh," Lister said, surprised by Kryten's outburst and distracted by Rimmer's frantic signals. "No. I was just remembering a dream I had," seeing that Kryten's face was not changing expressions, Lister changed the subject. "Where's Cat?"

"Sleeping over there, sir," replied Kryten.

"Listy!" called Rimmer, "We've made contact with Holly. She's got Red Dwarf –

"She found it!" interjected Lister.

Rimmer gave him a very mean look. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," another mean look, "Holly found Red Dwarf and she's in orbit around this planet. She can't come down and get up, _obviously, _so we have to break out of this cell, find a transport, steal it, and take off to Red Dwarf."

"Oh is that it?" asked Lister sarcastically. "I'm going to wake up Cat."

Lister moved towards Cat but was blocked by Kryten. "Mr. Lister I really must protest. Cat is very injured and cannot be woken until he is fully healed."

"There's nothing wrong with him Kryten. I'm going to wake him up, _now_," Lister replied. He reached down and shook Cat on the shoulder. There was no response. Lister bent over by Cat's ear and shouted, "Wake up you smeghead!"

That got a response. Cat sat straight up and said, "Luck virus."

"Luck virus?" asked Rimmer, "what for?"

"For finding my automatic bikini waxer!" said Cat, as if it was the most obvious thing.

"No," said Lister, "For getting out of here." That caught everybody's attention. "Remember when Rimmer had that holo-virus. When he dressed up in the plaid dress and army boots?" Rimmer gave him a dirty look. "Well, we used the virus to find all the equipment we needed and to break out of our cell. So, let's use it to break out of our cell and find a ship!"

"That would be a very good plan sir, but poor Cat is too sick to move!" said Kryten.

"What!" asked Cat, jumping out of bed as Kryten tried to take his temperature. "I'm not sick. Let's go!"

At that moment, if Lister had been injected with the virus, the story would have ended perfectly, with no fighting or death at all. Unfortunately, that is not how the story goes.

"Hello boys," said a familiar voice, the voice of Malyne. "It's dinner time. Who's hungry?" The Dwarfers looked at each other but none of them said anything. "Rimmer is hungry. I find that holo-light makes good eating."

Rimmer gulped, but Lister patted him on the back and whispered, "We're going to save you." Cat however, had to ruin Rimmer's mood even more by telling Malyne that maybe the light tasted good with margarine.

Malyne grabbed Rimmer's wrist and practically dragged him out of the room. "Bye bye boys," she called to the remaining three.

"Oh, this is terrible. Completely awful. Now Rimmer had to eat buttered light," murmured Kryten, knocking his head against the wall.

"Cat, find the luck virus," ordered Lister.

"Is that the blue virus," asked Cat, rummaging around in a box.

"Yea."

"I can't pick it up."

"Why not?"

"Blue with fuchsia, are you nuts?"

"Just pick it up Cat," said Lister.

"You are ruining my reputation," said Cat as he handed Lister the syringe.

Lister in turn handed the virus to Kryten, who, having recovered from his little tantrum, injected it into Lister. "Okay, sir, get us out," said Kryten.

"How?" asked Lister. Cat watched, amused.

"I need a key," said Kryten.

"Like this?" asked Lister, holding up a small metal key.

"Perfect." Kryten put the key into the door and opened it. They all filed out.

"I need a Brazilian Automatic Bikini Waxer."

"What, like this?" asked Lister, holding up a Brazilian Automatic Bikini Waxer.

"Thanks bud," said Cat. Kryten gave him a stern look.

"Now," said Kryten, "I need a doorway that will lead us to wear Mr. Rimmer is being eaten. And a gun. Two actually. I changed my mind. Three guns."

Lister ducked down onto the ground and picked up three guns before stopping in front of a doorway that would supposedly lead them to Rimmer. "Lock and load boys," said Lister.

Cat and Kryten did and Kryten opened the door. The sight that they saw was unbelievable. All five sisters in their insect form were hovering around Rimmer, sucking out his light.

"Hiiii, ya!" shouted Lister as he let loose his gun and, surprisingly, downed every single bug.

"What a stroke of luck!" said Cat, running forward to pick up Rimmer's light bee, for he had shut himself off. "Hey bud, you've been injured!" he said to Lister.

Kryten was horror stricken as he turned to look at Lister's leg. "Your leg wound has re-opened. I insist you let me heal it."

"No Kryten, you can do it on Red Dwarf. We've got to get out of here," replied Lister, brushing away the blood that was running down his leg.

Kryten looked flustered. "Fine sir, but if you die, you did it unto yourself. Now, I need a transport vessel."

Lister opened a random door which led to a . . . transport vessel. He was now noticeably paler because of blood loss. In fact, there was a trail of blood from the room where they found Rimmer to the vessel that he was now approaching. "Get in," he shouted, despite the pain.

They did. Cat took the driver's seat while Kryten ushered Lister to a seat and got out his sewing kit.

Lister took one look at the needle and thread Kryten was now holding, "You've got to be kidding me!"

"This may hurt a little sir," said Kryten and he plunged the needle into Lister's leg and began sewing up his leg.

"So ends the luck virus," murmured Lister.

Cat, meanwhile, had started up the vehicle and contacted Holly. "We'll be up there in about fifteen minutes, cutie."

"Erm, Cat? Are you okay?" asked Holly. Being called cute was usually a complement, but from Cat, who knew?

"Eeeeewieyuck. I just called you cute. My dignity is slipping!" Cat had grossed himself out. He started the engines and headed for Red Dwarf.

Rimmer turned himself back on.

"You're looking pale bud," said Cat as Rimmer approached.

"I've just had half my light eaten and all you can say is that you think I look pale?" Rimmer held his hand up to his face. "I do look pale."

Lister wandered back into the cockpit with a thread hanging from his leg. "Good to see you alive, Rimmer."

"Oh ha ha. Very funny."

"At least, we're free," said Lister, quoting his favorite movie. Then he burst into tears, that movie always made him cry.

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Well, that's the end. Please review and tell me how you liked it. I tried to make it a little longer than usual. Well, thanks to everybody! 


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